I have welcomed this year with an open heart. My heart was heavy with dreams and happiness. Like everyone else, I wished the year would be better than the one before: the infamous Corona year. On the first night of the year, I have spent the night with some friends. We have been laughing almost the whole night. The first week of January was amazing. I have been pretty occupied with responsibilities: work, education, and family. I have been here and there. During that week, I have planned to set my yearly resolution just like previous years, but somehow it slipped from my mind and somehow, I wasn’t thinking of a much and bigger resolution that year. I just wanted to finish the 2020 resolution which was smashed by Covid-19.
The second week of January, I had two days trip to Borama. One of the best trips I had in 2021. The other one was my trip to Berbera on my birthday month: April. The following months were perfect. A lot has happened: there were Ramadan and Eid celebrations with family, I moved to a new place, the Somaliland elections happened, I had a reunion with some old colleagues and I planned a small project of mine. The last few months of the year, umm, I can say I had better months. There were disappointments, heartbreaks, mistakes, failures, suffering, losses, anxieties, stresses, and depression. Some days felt like the world is about to scramble upon my shoulders. It was heavy and the nights felt longer. In short, there were definitely better days.
Then I have started what I named my spiritual healing process. I have started to heal my broken soul with Kuran, prayers, and lots of Dikr. With the almighty forgiveness and blessing, I have started my recovery journey. I traveled in between those two faces and that gave a very good break. The last month of the year was all about starting over. What a year!
On the other hand, this year I have dared to do something which I have been quite hesitant about for the last few years. In November, I have published my first non-Somali article. The published article was a personal essay and it was special to me for two reasons. First, it was about something very personal to me and my family. It went through a whole process of anxiety and parental discussion before sharing with the whole world. Second, I have written in a different language rather than my mother tongue. As someone who is raised locally and never took writing classes before, it was quite a challenge for me. However, it was an exciting process and the feedback I have received was overwhelming.
Apart from that personal essay, I have been constantly expressing my thoughts in my diary as well, specifically on my difficult days. Some of those thoughts, I have posted on Instagram and some others never made their way out from the notebook. Here are some sneak peeks of some of thoughts which I have expressed on my diary:
June 5, 2021
“The most difficult feeling anyone could feel is discovering that they were not enough after doing everything they could have done and more”.
September 2, 2021
“Being a Somali is quite difficult!
How can you tell when you are not feeling yourself? How can you tell when you are not in the right mental space? How can you tell when you are not feeling okay? How can you tell when you are not mentally strong enough to step out of the house? How can you tell when you are hurting? How can you tell when you are disappointed? How can you tell when you are angry? How can you tell when you are feeling down?
How do you heal in a Somali living household? How can you be yourself without fear of being judged? How can you be vulnerable in Infront of them? How do you tell them that you need emotional support? How can you express your true feelings? How can you tell you need some time alone? How can you tell when you are dealing with some shit? How can you show your tears? How can you show your pain? How can you tell when you are trying to get yourself together?!
How..?”
October 5, 2021
“Vulnerability
Being vulnerable means being a human being, being truthful to your feelings, and being honest about your situation. We all have that fear of being judged if we share our flaws, but there is a huge relief and comfort beyond being vulnerable. There is no harm to being vulnerable. There is no harm to being sensitive. There is no harm in feeling incomplete, not having enough, or underachieving. There is no harm in going through different phases in life and adapting to them. There is no harm in having disappointments and shortcomings. There is no harm in having bad days or difficult ones. That is what life is about. Also, there is no harm in expressing yourself with yourself, with your loved ones, or publicly. Being vulnerable means courage. It is not weakness, it is strength”
October 27, 2021
“Thanks to everyone who never believed in me, belittled me, discouraged me, and tried to crush my dreams. Please know, you are the reason behind my hustle”
Last but not the least, here are 10 lessons 2021 has thought me:
- Never trust anyone! Everyone can betray you, even the closest ones.
- Know your worth and value it. Surround yourself with people who value your presence, and you mean something to them.
- Never ignore the red flags! They say when there is smoke, there is fire.
- Intuitions are never wrong. Trust your gut feeling. If you don’t feel a positive vibe, then there is negative energy.
- Never allow others to use you for their own success.
- Never allow difficult situations to break you. They say it is just a bad day, not a bad life.
- Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
- Sometimes, your extreme confidence can be intimidating to some people.
- Being strong is the one and only way.
- Never allow envious people to get into your head. They just have the desire to have something that you belong to!
May 2022 become the best year for all of us!
Happy New Year!
Muna Axmed Cumar (Mullaaxo)
01 January, 2022
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